Do you at least pretend to be? No matter how much firangi pana we try to adopt, Pakistani at heart, we are always going to be food lovers even if we don’t see Eye to Eye when it comes to taste!
Recently, I have noticed that in a typical Pakistani dawat you will cross paths with the following few oddities:
1. The Food Sniffer
Interested in your food? Pfft! She is attending your party out of the goodness of her heart. As a Pakistani you know that is a HUGE deal! She equates being beautiful to being thin, and no food, no matter how delicious can take ‘skinny’ away from her. She is kind, social and make conversation with everybody she knows. While you are gobbling down mouthfuls she’ll be politely rejecting all food offers. At most she will have water with lime but no sugar pliss! For a second she might make you feel a little ashamed, but don’t worry the second will pass and you’ll be feeling guilty for ever doubting your love for food.
2. The Loser – I mean Weight Loser
Always battling with their weight, this person has been dreading your party for days. They have counted and recounted their calories for the day, rechecked their diet plan and wonder if they’ll ever be able to stay on track. At some point they do contemplate throwing caution to the wind and having a decent meal but they are so close to the target weight! With every bite they will be mentally calculating how many extra minutes they’ll be spending on that treadmill. And boy do they love the compliments! For them eating outside of the diet chart is like cheating on a spouse. The satisfaction, the thrill, the pleasure but in the end all that will be left with is guilt.
3. Your Average Foodie
For them it is just another meal, no biggie. They’ll eat what they want as much as they want. They might try a little bit of everything on the menu or a lot of whatever catches their fancy. Food wise – the most boring people in the party so lets move on!
4. The Pretend Dieter
For PDs the party is the Disney Land of food. Their plate will be overflowing with everything that they could get their hands on. It doesn’t even matter if they will eat it or not, they can decide that later but it has to be on the plate. Back in the Pizza Hut days this was the person you used to send to bring the salad in one plate. Leaning back, sipping on their third “diet” coke and cleaning up a second bowl of kheer they will give a detailed account of “how they never eat anything at home except healthy food and today is just an exception”, to anybody who would listen.
5. The Adviser
An extension of the Pretend Dieter but much much worse. They don’t just eat everything but while they munch on their samosa they have in one hand, with the other they’ll point the half eaten spring roll at you, narrow their eyes and tell you ALL about what bad effects deep fried foods can have on your health.
6. The Fussy Eater
It’s either too oily or too dry. Too spicy or too flat. Too sweet, too hot, too cold, too smelly, overcooked or raw. A chef’s nightmare this person is never satisfied with the food that is presented to them. It has to be EXACTLY how they want it to be. Even if it’s a tiny portion they need their perfection else they will gladly survive on prayers alone. If this person ever becomes a food critic, then surely the end of the world is near.
7. The Baysharam eater
And then there is the eater we all love to eat.. err, I mean hate. Your real life Jugheads and Joeys.. You guessed it! The I-eat-like-a-hungry-hippo-and-never-gain-an-ounce eater. No matter when or where you find them, they will always be munching on something. Not only will they eat anything and everything they like, they also happily explore and experiment. If you want to know what new restaurants have opened up, what new dishes to try, what deals are on, you go to them but not once will you ever find them working out in a gym -_-
So, which one of these is you? ;-)